Black Swan

       Movies do change lives. I can put my self first as an example. At 13 years old i watch the storyline of Black Swan 2010, that was played by Natalie Portman as Nina. It's about a girl who’s obsessed with perfection, who idolized perfection, who killed for perfection. Since then, Natalie Portman's character, Nina, stuck in my head. It became one with my brain. Black Swan delivered the obsession for perfection was really good that i want to have a plot like that for my life. That’s where my lore started. 

       13 Years old was not my best year, dare i say the worst. So far. Everything went downhill ever since. I would like to blame it on my desire to be perfect, just like Nina. 6 Months before i knew Black Swan, i got accepted to a junior high school that i never wanted. I didn't even know that the school ever existed before. Just like any normal person would do, i cried. I wish i was smarter, maybe the school that i wanted would except me as their student. But that's not why i hate my 13 years old life.

      I joined a scout team in my junior high school. Because i saw my friend who joined scout and they do like this camping thing. At that time i was missing my camping days or scouting days back at elementary school, it was so fun. Back then. So i joined the junior high school scout hoping that i will feel that fun again. I remember it was at August 7th 2022 where i officially became a scout junior high school member. I felt like i was Princess Diana when she married Prince Charles. Looking at these ridiculous rules that they applied that i just don’t get it why do they need to do this. Obviously to disciplined us but they did it in a military way. As a person who just watched a lot of revolutionary figures biopic movies, i against this ideology that scout gave towards me.

       Just like Princess Diana, i broke almost all the scout's 'protocols' or rules. I most often to complain and mock about it loudly in front of my other scout members. Because i think it was wrong, and i have the right to speak. I think scout in general needs to change on how they approach their 'followers'. The scout teachers became more scary. When they were angry, they would scream at us like Hitler acting like satan. I was so scared. I was afraid to laugh. Barely had any close friends. Everybody was serious, they would shut me down if i made a joke. No fun was allowed. It was a torment for a jester like me. We would do activities beneath directly from the sun. We practice everyday, on weekends we practiced for 7-12 hours.

Honestly, i can’t really remember what we were doing between summer 2022 until winter 2022. But i do recall the feeling, it was miserable. It was my dark ages. I can’t even recall the memories that i share with my family at that time. Because i spent the rest of my time at school for scout. 

And i hate to remember it. I slowly started to forget bits of the things that we did. I need to move on. I cant reflect nor blaming on those days for what i am now. 

      Back then when i haven't moved on, every time i remember those days, i started crying. I remember at 22th October 2022, i was sitting on a grass field. Waiting time goes by. I saw a red small car passed in front of me and i thought my family was in that car, coming to pick me up from that hell place. When i know exactly that my car is brown and not small. I even immediately raise my chin up and widen my eyes when i saw a horse carriage, because  i thought that must be my family. Obviously it wasn’t. I told them my self, not to come. Because it wasn’t allowed. You can ask my wrist watch that i wore "How many times did she cried?". My watch will answer "every minute". 

       The pressure was real, and it was the first time i felt it. I hate to recall it. I don’t want to go back to those dark times. I hate it. When we losses, everybody cried, except for me. Because that means we can go home now. At first i was the happiest person there. But the next 1 year, not really. I regret that event all the time, sometimes until now. I cried at minor things. Hopeless at everything, failed at everything, i also became a pessimist, i was desperate. I need somebody to hold me at that time, because i could fall into pieces in any seconds. I let it all out at August 2023 when it was BK session. I cried in front of about 5 people. Thank god there was only one boy. I never like to cry in front of people. I don’t want people to think that im weak. But i was. 

       To keep me sane, i made my own therapist in my head. Every time where i need someone to accompany me, in my mind, i would walk in to a room. There were two chairs that facing each other. It's more like a sofa rather than a chair, because it has cushions but only for one person. The cushions had these beautiful floral design. It also had an arm rest that also had cushion. I realized that was my own sofa that i have in my living room now. The room had a Georgian Era architecture. It was like one of those rooms that you'll see in Buckingham Palace. I don't really remember were there any windows or not. 

       The therapist that i made would be sitting on the right chair, in front of me. She is a middle aged woman, perhaps between 60-65 years old. Her hair was short and the color was black. She held some kind of paper, but i never saw her wrote anything on that paper. She always wore glasses and always wore a white outer, that makes her almost look like a doctor. And if i'm not wrong, inside that outer she wore a multicolor sweater. But i do remember that the sweater color was black, pink, and orange. Her body is a little fat if i may say. She would asked me questions about my problems and ended it with some conclusions on what i must do. All though sometimes i didn’t do it. I even told her about my crush before any of my friends knew. 

        Now i have 90% move on. I have to. Yes, i'm still sad because it happened. I wish that thing never happened in my life. But now i realize, i also got a lot of lessons from that event. I probably became a better person. I learn my mistakes and i became friends with the other scouts member. I seek times where maybe i can go back to sharing laughter with my scouts friends. But, im still questioning. Who to be blame? Because until now i'm still blaming it between scout or Black Swan.